Our edd Nov 12, 2006

It seems even the heavens are crying for you little one, the rain is falling in waves just like Mommy's tears. Words can not express the sorrow I feel this day, this day I should have you in my arms introducing you to the world. I will carry you with me in my heart till the day we meet again where you can introduce me to heaven.. and I can finally hold you in my arms

Sad anniversary

5 months ago today my baby grew wings. It's been a hard road to travel something I never thought would happen to me. I still cry about it often, still can't bear to be around pregnant woman and stare longinly at any newborn I see. The loss of a child no matter how early changes you in a way you can't even imagine. I feel there is a hole threw my heart and soul, a hole that will never heal. It will forever be raw and bleeding.

I'm not a very religions person but I find myself hoping that all my doubts are worng, that someday I will be reunited with my child. That Gabriel is up in heaven with my other lost love ones looking down on me. I try to imagine my child in the arms of Grandfather. Crying to hard to type now...

SAHM, at least part time.

Today was the first day of my part time Stay-at-home-mom hood! This is something I have wanted since before Logan was born. Finally it's here! The official schedule is every Tues & Wed and every other Thursday in the office. That means 4 and 5 days weekends!!!! It was so great getting up later then normal only an hour but what a difference and hour makes. And my off day Alarm clock of a little voice calling "Mommy" beat the heck out of the beep beep beep. We had a great day after breakfast of French toast and eggs we walked down to the park. It's about a mile walk which wasn’t bad at all on the way there; I didn’t realize it was all down hill. Which of course means the walk home was all up high, my legs were screaming by the time I got home. But it was good I need to excerse more. Logan had a ball at the playground, we were alone for a while then a few other kids showed up over all they played well together. We got home just in time for lunch. Little man napped for almost 3 hours! After nap we put laundry away and then went to target, the bank, and stopped at the library. Our visit to the library was cut short by Logan announcing "Go poopy?" I checked his diaper just in time to see/hear him poop. But hey he recognized the sensation! And yesterday he went poo poo on the potty. Now he's watching Jacks big music show, dinner is in the oven and I'm relaxing. How I used nap time, I worked on the ever growing program for Mitch's work, and really made some good progress. I'm really hoping to have it done by Friday.

Pregnancy,Flu, pneumonia, Sinus infections, High blood pressure

The first 2 months of the pregnancy was a breeze. I kept waiting for morning sickness which never came. Yet while I was waiting my immune system, which is normally great, decided to take a vacation. It started with what I though was a cold, with in a day I was hold up in bed, running a fever, shakes, sweating and hurting so badly. There was an evening I considered going to the ER. Being pregnant I could take nothing! If you've never had the flu consider yourself lucky, it sucks! The flu subsided leaving a lingering cough. A cough that kept getting worse and worse, dh insisted I go to the dr thinking I could have pneumonia. Well damn it if he wasn't right. 2 weeks of nasty antibiotics, and inhalers later I'm feeling better, but 2 weeks later cough cough cough, yeap another or still case of pneumonia. Enter round 2 of antibiotics. Finally I get over that to be hounded by colds, and sinus infections. In my 3rd trimester my blood pressure starts to creep up, I get put on blood pressure meds, which keep it just at the top of the acceptable range. But even with all this I loved being pregnant. It was the most amazing time with my son. We had a mooring ritual in the 3rd trimester. I had hostess chocolate cupcakes every morning around 10 am. Little man would get a sugar rush and dance wiggle poke me.

Work, school and pregnancy. What a combination!

Right before I conceived I enrolled in a 12 month accelerated college degree program in Information Technology, specifically programming. Classes met Mon and Wed nights from 6-10 and every Sat from 8-4. In addition to this program I was working full time M-F 8-5. After years of hearing that it would take a while to conceive it didn’t occur to me that this might not be the best thing to begin when TTC. I found out with in a week of classes starting that I was prego. So here I was taking a very heavy, fast intensive bunch of classes all the while trying to deal with Prego brain. It was a challenge, I worked hard and with a little help of some of my classmates managed to get threw with a prefect 4.0 GPA. There were days when I would sleep in my car before class because I was so tired. My classmates were wonderful, there were 12 of us that went threw the entire program together. When ever one of us was having problems the others would help. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were leaving class one night I walk out into the hall way and there’s this big tub of baby stuff sitting in the hallway. I look back to see them all smiling at me "congratulations". It was totally unexpected, and wonderful. They really were a great bunch of people.

Telling Mom and Dad

I invite my parents to meet me at our favorite restaurant for lunch, their schools had closed due to a hurricane headed our way. What they don't know is the day before I had my very first U/S got to see the little blob that was my child but most importantly got to see the heartbeat.

We are eating talking about this and that. There's a nice break in the conversion. I say ever so non-calmly "I saw the most amazing thing yesterday" Mom asks "what's that" I say back to her "My Baby's heartbeat" She literally dropped her fork, the expression on her face was amazing. Dad seems to have missed exactly what I said so I repeat it, his jaw hits the table. They are both ecstatic, happy does not even begin to express how we are all feeling. It is defiantly a day for the books.

My miracle

7 years later (longer than I wanted to wait) I go off birth control (only taken because my Dr didn’t want me ovulating they think that’s what caused my tumor) 3 months later Husband and I begin trying to conceive. The first 2 months I chart my temps, do the salvia ferning test, time sex with no luck. The 3rd month I messed up my chart so I decided to trash it until the next cycle. DH had broken his collarbone and was in pain so I didn’t get sex in my fertile time anyway. Toward the end of the month I jumped dh just for fun, the only time that month we had sex.

I’m waiting for Af , I’m sitting at work when it occurs to me that I had heartburn last night. I never get heartburn, and my breasts are sore, af must be coming soon. Let’s look at the calendar…OMG I’m almost 2 weeks late! Sure enough I after peeing on the stick I saw the BFP I had been dreaming of for years. And all this time thinking I would have a hard time conceiving.

Fertility lost?

At the age of 24 I went to the gyn for my yearly exam. It had actually been about 15 months since my last visit. Money was super tight and my crappy insurance didn’t cover normal gyn exams. The insurance company would soon regret that attempt at penny pinching with me. The office nurse says to me “Your insurance doesn’t cover normal exams, but they do cover visits for problems” wink wink “so tell the Dr. your here for some problem”. I sat there in the waiting room thinking what problem I could come up with. As soon as the exam begins the Dr asks “Is there any chance your Pregnant?” umm no, I haven’t had sex well in a long time. He tells me “there’s something in there”. To say the least these are words that no woman wants to hear. He finishes the exam and tells me to meet him in his office after I’m dressed. I sit down at this huge desk starting at the Dr never having been so scared in my life. He runs threw a list of things that it could be, non of which I remember except cancer. The power that word has it amazing, you never realize how terrifying a word it is until it’s directed at you. I’m left with a head swimming with information, orders for countless blood tests and an ultrasound. Stopping by the front desk to schedule all my newly needed appts, the desk nurse says “I didn’t mean this big of a problem!” We laughed just for a second.

The next week was a whirlwind of lab tests. What felt like a gallon of blood was drawn. All results indicated no cancer but we can’t be sure. The ultrasound showed a large mass on my left ovary. Back at the Dr’s office he has scheduled me for surgery in 9 days. I am told that I will lose my left ovary and tube. And that when he gets me open if things look bad he might have to take everything. I sat there stunned. It was at that moment I realized how badly I wanted children. The Dr. is very good at explaining all the different possibilities, all I hear is “possible sterilization”. I mulled this over for a few days, and decided that under no circumstances will I lose my ability to have children. That decision needs to be mine. If he has to wake me up on the table so be it. My Dr was very understanding and agreed if thing were bad he would close me up and leave it up to me.

Off to the hospital we go, Mom and Dad at my side. I’m in the OR which is scary as hell. Then I’m in the recovery room, I’m in so much pain. I barely am able to tell them but they push more morphine. I remember hearing the nurse say “She’s still in so much pain, but we can’t give her any more morphine” I remember thinking ironically “I never want to get pregnant because I don’t want to risk having a c-sec” I pass out. Then the Dr is there, telling me things went really well. The tumor was encapsulated he took my left ovary and tube. There were some fibroids on my uterus which he removed. And something else on my right ovary, so we had to take some of that too. But I still have enough ovary left that I should be able to conceive a child. Now we have to wait for the pathology report on the tumor before we know how to treat me.

The next few days are a blur of pain, and morphine. I feel like total shit, except right after my morphine shots. I finally get to see the damage to my body, I’ve got 36 staples running up my stomach from above my belly button around the belly button and all the way down to my pubic bone. It looks like a ? shaped zipper. It hurts to breath, to move, to get out of bed is a major undertaking. Then my body decides no more morphine, I start throwing up every 15 minutes. Let me just say that throwing up after major abdominal surgery is about the most painful thing you can do. No more morphine for me. I’m afraid I’ll hurt like hell, surprisingly I still hurt but feel better then ever being off the drugs. So 3 days after being split from a to z I’m on nothing but Tylenol.

Day 4 in the hospital, my phone rings it’s the lab. Your results showed bla bla bla…non-cancerous…bla bla bla I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!! That’s when I cried, and cried and cried. I was going to be OK.

I spent the next few years being told “I should be able to conceive, BUT I might need help, it might take longer…” Not the resounding positive assurances I wanted.